Beauty Is Fleeting

Today, as I was hanging out with my six (almost) seven year old step-sister, she said something that pulled on my heartstrings and made me mixed with emotions. She was telling me about her "crush." Mind you, she just started first grade and has already begun noticing the "cute boy with the mohawk and glasses." As she was telling me about him and the quirky things he does, she told me,

"He doesn't like me though because I'm not pretty."

I asked her why she thought that and she told me because there are "many other pretty girls" in class. I was speechless.. How could a six year old girl with the whole world ahead of her believe a boy won't like her because she's not pretty? My heart sank, and I couldn't find the words to tell her how beautiful she is. How could I describe to a six year old that beauty is fleeting. It is merely a breath in the width of the world, and her beauty will fade and she will still be smart, and funny, and quirky, and goofy; all the things that make her her. 

How is it that girls, and even boys, today as young as six years old are being pressured to "look" a certain way? I can't even let her pick up a magazine or watch something other than Nick Jr. without fearing she will see something that will make her feel any less than she is worth. Are we not protecting the innocent, pure hearts of these girls and boys who need to know they are worthy of far more than their external appearance? Have we forgotten how easy it is to get sucked up into media and allow our worth to be dependent on the world? Losing your self-confidence is one thing, but allowing children to feel the pain of "I'm not good enough," or "I'm not pretty enough" is too much. The most children should be worried about is that art project they're doing in art class at school or finishing the entire episode of the Fairly Odd Parents before bedtime. They shouldn't be worried about their worth, their clothes, their appearance, or their "status" in their elementary school.

As adults and young adults in a culture saturated in media, magazines, TV, internet and these places that hurt the children of the future, we need to be uplifting them and encouraging them. We need to teach them that they are perfect exactly how they are. We need to be examples of this, and the only way to do that is to embrace our differences, accept our flaws, and rejoice in our mistakes. This children who look up to us will never understand it is okay to be different than what our culture labels "worthy." They need to look onto adults who are walking in humility, acceptance, and self-confidence. They need to see adults who can love themselves. And no I don't mean conceit – I mean embracing ourselves as we've been created.

Mended Ends

My first post in over a month. Writing has become something I do in my journal, alone, private and secluded. The intensity this summer has truly put a minor halt to my words, to my writings, and to my "explainable" thoughts. Lately, writing down my thoughts has been like trying to search through millions of archives and never finding what you need. I don't know if it's because of the heat getting to my head, or maybe my work getting to my head, but I know it's not good. I find words to be important, and when I have absolutely nothing to say I get worried. And maybe sometimes I get sad, but that's for a different time of explanation.

Today I'm recalling on last Sunday – The past couple of weeks, I have not felt this need for church. I have not felt that tangible desire to get up on Sunday and be there. I mean really be there and take part. I guess you can say I've been another seat, instead of a working part of the body. And maybe I'm wrong, but that's how my flesh has felt. – As I sat and listened, I felt God tugging on my heart + asking for my obedience. I've noticed that every so often I get into this habit of doing. I get into a habit of doing for God out of a mechanical obedience and not out of a deep desire to love and follow Him. I get stuck in these useless 'works,' thinking I can somehow win God's affection with my "Christ-like" life and not my Christ-seeking heart. His affection has already been won, and it was done by Jesus on the Cross. Doesn't that beautiful knowledge remind me to love God and obey him out of a whole-hearted desire? Doesn't it remind me that I cannot save myself and nothing I do will affect my salvation? It's incredibly beautiful.

And as I think about these things and when I recall on the moments when my flesh has failed and my disobedience to Christ is apparent, I have to remember that there is no shame nor guilt in Him. There is no punishing myself. There is only conviction, repentance, and loads of grace. For that, I am thankful.

Salvation

My own awareness of my own individual depravity is absolutely essential for my salvation. If I am not a sinner, I do not need a Savior. (See Eph. 2:1)

–

Man, is that statement more true than ever. I am so broken, so completely shattered. The grace of God is the only love big enough to piece me back together; to glue every inch of me back into something beautiful. I've felt that hollow feeling lately – that feeling where you find yourself ashamed to look God in the face. I don't want Him to see how selfish I am. I don't want Him bear witness how sinful my flesh is, how impatient I am, how my mind is so drastically at war with my spirit. Have you ever felt that pain? That pain of knowing you've wronged the very God who created you? It's like a searing burn that lingers once its gone, leaving a pale scar behind. 

But how the grace of Him heals wounds. That shame is sickening, it is deathly and belongs no where near the heart of the Lord. I am depraved, in utter need of Christ. If I only I truly recognized how deeply my heart needs salvation. It is not an 'if' or a 'maybe.' I need Christ. I need His deep love for me. I need His ocean of forgiveness. My heart begs and weeps in my wrong doings, but God is merciful to me. He is patient with me. He is passionate for me.  

Every aspect of Him is every aspect I am not. 

Anticipation

Lately I have felt this growing anticipation for the future; the anticipation of marriage, of my business, school, and the things God has revealed to me of what's to come. I get excited and a little bit anxious, like a child on their first day back to school – the feeling of knowing something wonderful is coming soon, but the unknown is a little fuzzy and makes your tummy knot up. That's where I am; I am allowing the future to dictate the now. With that in mind, a funny question popped into my head. "What if I had that same anticipation for Jesus' coming?" As Christians, we don't really think about the return of Christ on a daily basis. In terms of faith, we think about scripture, community, humility, and living a life for Christ. But I can't recall the last time I anticipated the return of Christ. Can you? That eagerness I get from thinking about being a wife someday soon, the joy that I feel when I pursue my dreams, the happiness I find in preparing myself for what's next – what if I constantly felt that way towards the day I meet Jesus? I don't, but I want that desire. I want to desire Jesus so much, each day is like waking up to another day of eagerness and joy that I will be sitting at the right hand of the Lord someday. Each day I want to find myself dreaming about the beauties of heaven and the tangible love of Christ. When I step outside of the now, I want to step into the light of the someday that I no longer am bound by flesh or the world, but that I am celebrating in God's kingdom.

What would our lives (and our walks with Christ) be like, if we lived like this?

Understanding Health

For those of you who have kept up with my and blog personally know some of my story, I have always dealt with the issue of self-image. Like many women, I have felt the difficult struggle of being completely dissatisfied with my body-image. This sin, this tangible feeling of shame and disgust, kept me from understanding beauty from the eyes of the Creator. Unhappiness with my body image didn't allow me to understand how I was created in the image of the Lord. With recent freedom from this struggle, I have become so open to my body (in a good way, not in the 'I want to run in the street naked' kind of way). I have become more comfortable wearing shorts or tank tops, actually wearing a bathing suit and not cringing at myself, and just feeling confident in how I look. This appreciation and acceptance has come with much prayer, solitude, and understanding of the Lord. It has come with knowing what beauty is, and how to not be manipulated by media and our society.

Nearly two months ago, my boyfriend and I became vegetarians. We decided that eliminating meat from our diets would encourage us to eat healthier options. Since starting this diet, it has not been about losing weight. The goal has been live a healthier lifestyle. With being vegetarians we also cut out fast food, a lot of fats and sugars, most processed foods, and try to eat mostly organic or healthy foods. Let's just say we consume a lot of fruits and veggies. Since becoming a vegetarian, combined with living an active lifestyle, my body has been loving every second of it; I just feel better, I have more energy, I don't get so tired quickly in the day, and bad/greasy foods have become less and less desirable for me. It has been one of the most beneficial things I have done for my body in so long. In terms of literal results, I have already gone down a dress size. Again, this entire thing is not to lose weight. Before this diet, I was almost close to being overweight on my BMI scale (just barely hitting the limit.) Knowing I've begun to lose fat reminds me that being healthy is incredible and much more important than looking good. Before this 180 degree turn in my views of my body, I thought it was all about being smaller, looking better. But now I have realized it is about honoring this body that was made in the image of the Lord by being healthy and not purposefully allowing yourself to do things that are harmful to your body. Yes there will always be work to do, but cutting out bad foods is a major step in the process and something we don't realize in a country saturated in unhealthy things everywhere we look.

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." – 1 Corinthians 6:1-20

This verse applies to many different areas, whether it be physically or spiritually, I have been commanded to honor God with my body, and lately physically honoring God with my health has been a great conviction in my life. In sharing this growth, I don't hope you convert to vegetarianism or stop drinking soda, I just pray you wisely consider what "honoring God with your body" means to you.

Refinement + Obedience

Throughout the course of my faith, I've learned that the biggest step in doing God's work in His Kingdom is obedience. Faith without obedience is merely faith. It is not a faith that is wrapped up in God's purpose, in His will + plans for His people. Lately, I have felt my Spirit desiring obedience so fully I cannot even grasp it. With life moving fast, a new job, a growing business, changes + growth, I'm feeling God reminding me that obedience is key in this season of my life. Never before have I felt this incredible desire to bow down in obedience before Him like I have recently.

As Christ followers, we are continuously sanctified till the day we meet God face to face. We are changed, refined, and transformed each and every day. The Lord may work differently in each of us, and I have felt this period of sanctification like a huge responsibility on my shoulders. Without saying too much, I feel like I have a purpose that I didn't think I would have before (nor that I expected). Jesus is calling me to lay down my life, to serve with every ounce of love in my bones that He graciously gives me, and He is calling me to live a life that represents Him courageously and humbly. It is not easy, and it is not comfortable, nor is it natural for my flesh. But it is good. It is perfect. He is sovereign. When my flesh craves sin and I am convicted of humility and love, I know God is working and it is powerful.

I don't know where He is leading me just yet, and I don't know how it will work. But overall, He is satisfied when we are obedient to His calling. My sacrifice of my flesh is the Kingdom's gain.

+

"If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land." – Isaiah 1:19

First Affection

This week Braylin will be 7.5 months old. I literally cannot fathom how fast he is growing. It seems like just yesterday I was writing about his birth. Today marked a special day though. As always, I greet Braylin everyday when I get home from work with loads of kisses and hugs. His face radiates joy, and I find comfort knowing he is so familiar with my face, my voice, and my smiles. Today was different. Before I could give him an overload of kisses, he looked at me, smiled, opened his mouth, and went for my lips, drool and all. He gave his first kiss, and it was to me! And the awesome part is the he did it not once, but three times! Every time I looked at him with a smile and ready for a kiss he went in to return the affection. The cuteness was unbearable, and I can hardly wait till he starts saying, "I love you."

Although his first, sweet kiss was so little and fleeting, it reminded me of the incomparable joy the Lord has when we show our affections to him. For my heart to almost burst with joy for Braylin's sweet, baby kiss, is microscopic compared to God's joy when we love Him, worship Him, and desire Him. Thinking of this brought me back to the moment I began a life following Christ. How immense must God's love have overflowed in that moment; the very first moment I returned His long affections? And still to this day, four years later, the way God is completely in awe of my beauty amazes me. How must he love us so? Our affection for our loved ones is minuet compared to the unfathomable, deepness of God's grace, love, and affection for us.

If His love is an ocean, we're not just sinking, we're drowning in it. 

The thoughts of the Lord's immeasurable love made me want to get on my knees in adoration before Him and then jump and shout His praise. And not just his love for me, but his love for you. It is great, it is heavy, it is full. His heart is full for you. His desires are aimed towards you. He so greatly wants to know you and be near to you. How greatly the potter views His creation, amazed and baffled at something He created with his own two hands.

I pray you know God's love, because His love surpasses everything. It is more fulfilling than any thing you could dream of on this Earth. It is endless.

Tremble, Oh Woman

Life has been flying by like a whirlwind ready to sweep me away. This year has already delivered me blessing upon blessing and gobs of opportunities that I am blown away by. There is not a single day that passes by with which I am unamazed by. Even in the mundane, my early coconut coffee, late night snacks with Tony, or a simple gesture from a passerby at a grocery store, I have started to find such incredible simplicity and beauty. When I started my blog nearly a year ago, I remember desiring to convey my words, convey my thoughts, and relate my dreams in a way that painted a picture of the most simple things drawn out with beautiful ups and downs. I wanted to display this captivating life of small, precious moments. Lately, I have been living that. Some days I am grateful for it more than others, but lately God has been revealing to me that place on the mountain where I remain silent and His voice drifts softly atop the trees. That is where simplicity and beauty meet; they met at the cross, on a rugged piece of wood, and they meet in my everyday, to a broken woman seeking a greater savior.

With so much happening lately, writing has been last on my list. Blogging, which once was an every week thing, has been an every other week thing. My days are jam packed with jobs, school, visions, moments, church life, family life, and so forth. I'm lucky enough to barely get any alone time. With that being said, I've somewhat shifted 'down pace' in my spirit lately. I've felt weaker in my walk. I've felt hunger and thirst for the bread and water that I cannot receive from my daily doings and dreams. I've been feeling the pain of flesh wanting to be the captivator of my heart. I've felt my spirit fighting harder against the world than what I'm used to. Thankfully, conviction will always be stronger than flesh, that is if I respond to it.

The other night I felt that conviction making my knees weak, and I opened up to Isaiah (a place I should get lost in more often). I fell upon Isaiah 32 verses 9-20:

Complacent Women Warned of Disaster | "Rise up, you women who are at ease, hear my voice; you complacent daughters, give ear to my speech. In little more than a year you will shudder, you complacent women; for the grape harvest fails, the fruit harvest will not come. Tremble, you women who are at ease, shudder, you complacent ones; strip, and make yourselves bare, and tie sackcloth around your waist. Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vine, for the soil of my people growing up in thorns and briers, yes, for all the joyous houses in the exultant city. For the palace is forsaken, the populous city deserted; the hill and the watchtower will become dens forever, a joy of wild donkeys, a pasture of flocks; until the Spirit is poured upon us from on high, and the wilderness becomes a fruitful field, and the fruitful field is deemed a forest. Then justice will dwell in the wilderness, and righteousness abide in the fruitful field. And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever. My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. And it will hail when the forest falls down, and the city will be utterly laid low. Happy are you who sow beside all waters, who let the feet of the ox and the donkey range free."

Wow. Oh wow. I am that complacent woman. I am that woman at ease. I am the woman who is not on guard, protecting my spirit, fighting against evil, and in turn leading those along with me. I am the woman who does not beat her chest for the ones in my city, in my country, and in my world who are living in thorns. I am not that woman. At least I haven't been.

But I desire to be that woman.

I desire to be a woman whose fruits are lush and overflowing, whose spirit is solid, yet delicate in action, whose righteousness abides in the Lord, who lives in security and peace only found in the Savior, who sows beside waters, desiring to reap fruitfully. I so greatly desire to be a woman who is constantly seeking, growing, moving, and trudging along that road. I want to be the woman who does not stop, even when blood is shed and bones are weak. I want to be the woman is who never complacent, never at ease, but always preparing and always obedient.

In the mean time, trembling is good. It means I'm aware.

Honey

Blessings are like sweet drops of honey that leave residue on your lips and praise from your mouth
Blessings are like the feeling of a full stomach, after eating bread and water; reminding you that your hunger is fulfilled by the breaking of bread and dipping of wine.
Blessings are like a joy that comes in the morning, singing songs over mountains and rejoicing in beauty.
Blessings consist of a Savior loving His people, giving them hope, and joy, and grace.

Man oh man, I am drowning in blessings up to my ears.
Don't let me eat them up without saying grace with my clasped hands and an over-joyous heart
Don't let me forget the one who Blesses, so I do not boast in my false goodness or my useless works.
Let me be reminded that every blessing is the first drop of rain after a season of drought;
it is not the reason we praise to our Creator, but merely another reason why we sings songs to His holy place.

Everyone Says, "You Need To Wear A Bikini."

Last night, on a whim, I decided to browse the "bathing suit" section while I was at Target. For the past four or five-ish years, I have dreaded this entire experience. I have dreaded seeing skinny girls showing off their tummies and seemingly unashamed of their outer beauty. I have dreaded trying on bikinis, hoping I could find one that wouldn't make me cringe when I looked in the mirror or, perhaps, when I am in a photo at the pool/beach. I have dreaded the stares at myself from the dressing room, ashamed of my body, of my scars, my imperfections, my not-so-skinny legs and stomach, my pale, freckled, and bruised skin. I dreaded the desire to 'fit in' to this culture. Even as a woman desiring Christ, I have encountered far too many brick walls that have stood to high for me to see my beauty that is complete in Christ, not in the clothes that I wear/or don't wear, not in my physical appearance, not in the world's definition of beauty.

Well last year, I decided to stop wearing bikinis and two pieces altogether, out of modesty and partly my own personal struggle with self-image. As I stood in the dressing room, holding about six different one pieces I felt scared. Isn't that funny? Alone with myself, I felt scared of what might stare back at me in the mirror? I didn't want that feeling of shame, and struggle, and pain to meet me in that room. I didn't want the face of a woman, who fears the Lord, to be looking back at me in disgust, in judgement. But surprisingly enough, I slipped into each one and I felt a sense of overwhelming peace. I didn't mind that my stomach wasn't so skinny, and that my stretch marks on the backs of my thighs were visible.

I felt beautiful.

Not in the sense that I looked "hot" in my bathing suit, or even that I looked good. But I felt beautiful in the sense that I recognized my beauty and my worth was not measured by fabric. I felt relief that the image of myself was not disgust, but rather loveliness. I looked at myself and saw a woman who is broken and flawed, but has been made in the absolute perfect image of Christ. I saw a woman who was learning to love herself and to view herself as her Creator intended for her to be.

I am beautiful.

The past year has been a transformation for me. I have asked God for a change of heart towards my own self for months now. I have despised the things I call myself, the things I think about myself, and the ways I become jealous when I see "good features" on other women. Slowly, he has changed me and transformed my way of thinking to be in light of his own. With the struggle of self-image and self-confidence, I have realized that only the love of your Maker can change your heart about your own body and image. Only he can transform your eyes to see the good, the beauty, the perfection he created, and not the eyes of this world that trick you into telling yourself that you are ugly, fat, imperfect, and unworthy. He deems us as his wonderful creation, each and every one of us. How incredible is that; your Maker thinks you are wonderful, beautiful, and perfect? 

-

With this question of modesty in the air battling the idea of self-image, I walked out with a newly, purchased one piece last night. I realized the question about modesty is not how much clothing we have on, but the question is; "Will God be pleased with the way in which I am using this body he created? Am I imitating Christ in my choices, in my image, in my physical body? Am I using this body for good?" We desire modesty to please the Lord, not to cover up for the sole purpose of being ashamed or being scared of our bodies. We protect our bodies for they are the Lord's, and in him we are beautiful; not by how much skin we show, but how much our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our spirits, and our souls reflect the Lord.

A Thought On Relationships

I find it so discouraging and painful when I see people (girls) make statements like this. . .

"Find a man that will take care of you, not you take care of him."

or

"A man should treat you right, not the other way around. . ."

or even vice versa (males saying this about women because we do see both sides to the argument).

What? When did we ever establish that a woman should sit back and do absolutely nothing for her boyfriend or spouse? When and, for better question, who decided that a relationship revolves to please the woman? I have seen this as a constant issue in our culture; we are so careful to try and not break this "feminist" attitude to somehow make up for the pain that has been caused to women through media, through our misconception of sex, or how women are treated by men. But in reality, this way of thinking is so faulted and flawed. The man takes care of the women, treats her with respect, loves her, maybe even pampers her, yet she is to sit back and soak it all in?

Living in a culture that lacks symbiotic, healthy, and giving relationships is difficult for me. With Christ in mind, he designed the relationship between a man and a woman to work together; to be one and partners with one another. For God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18) The Creator of the world created man and woman to be partners on his earth. Not for one to have complete authority over the other, and not for one to take no responsibility in the relationship.

If we look at the design of marriage God intended, he created man to be the head covering his wife, leading her in faith, teaching her, protecting her, loving her, and presenting a Christ like affection that is only imitated after Christ's own love for his church. In that same way, the woman is to encourage, to lift up, to love wholeheartedly, as the Church loves Christ. Why then have we conformed to this idea that a relationship is a give and receive relationship, rather than a give and give? If we aim our expectations of happiness to constantly receive without any of our own efforts, they will fail us. Emotions of passion may fade, but what will last is the beauty of a relationship that resemble Christ's love, ultimately being willing to lay down your own comfort and expectations and happiness if it means to support and love the other. It is not a one-sided effort. It never has been a one-sided effort. What would the church be like if it never loved Christ back, even at the expense of their own comfort and happiness? Ponder on that one for a bit. . .

Challenging? Yes.
Attainable? Yes.

If God's creation is perfect, then his design for marriage and relationships is also perfect. It is genuine, intimate, serving, and ultimately leads to a marriage that is the beauty of oneness, echad.

If I could Write a Message to Young Girls...

This past weekend I got to experience discipling and leading young seventh and eighth grade girls for a weekend retreat with my church, Church Project. Although I am usually surrounded by eight year-olds and involved with elementary age kids, I was asked to lead these group of girls for a weekend to teach them about the beauty of following the Lord (and how to do that).

Never in a million years did I think it would be as difficult as it was. Not difficult in a sense that I felt unable to relate, or had difficulties talking to them, or whatever else could have come with unexpected difficulties. It was difficult in the sense that my heart broke for these girls in a way I have never experienced it breaking before.

Within many blog posts and discussions I have talked about the deep pain that has been brought on to young girls and even women in our society, but I have never experienced feeling my heart rip for them and having a firsthand image of what it is truly like. Although I was thirteen at a whopping five years ago (it's crazy it's only been five years) I was painfully reminded of the utter hardships girls, as young as twelve, are having to experience in their schools, their families, their peer groups, and even in public; the standards, the influences, the unattainable images, the altered definition of 'beauty' as our culture will define it today, the pressure. All of these things that a young girl in seventh grade should not even be thinking of worrying about, yet they're experiencing it on a daily basis.

My heart ached for them as I witnessed them worry about the constant pressure of self-image, and not a self-image and identity rooted in Christ, but a self-image based on a comparable worth of the most 'popular' girl in school or the 'hottest' young star. I watched them yearn for attention from boys, more than they yearned for attention from their Savior; this attention that culture has defined as a social norm for girls to slave at their heels for a young boy's approval and like. I watched them struggle with their appearance, their talents, their knowledge, their beauty. I almost felt myself asking the same question God asked Adam and Eve as they shamefully hid from their Lord in the garden,

"Who told you that you were naked?"

"Girls, who told you that you aren't skinny?" "Who told you beauty is in the perfection of hair, body, and approval?" "Who told you a boy won't like you for knowledge and strength and dignity?" "Who lied to you and said you were so unworthy?"

I cannot fathom words to describe the utter pain I felt for these young girls struggling for identity, for acceptance, for happiness that is nothing close to eternal. I found myself asking the Lord, Show them, Lord. Show them beauty and identity is not measured by their peer group, by acceptance, by boys, or by whatever else society may lie to them about. Show them beauty is the condition of the heart, the extent of their love, the joy of their spirit.

Girls, If I could write a message to you...

Protect your heart, for their lies the wellspring of life.

Cherish your flaws. For once you can love yourself for your brokenness, you can love others for their brokenness.

Find your identity and worth in the Lord. For you were created by Him, and no person, thing, or idea can make you any less worthy than your Creator created you to be.

Boys and relationships will fail you. There is no perfect boy who will treat you like some fairy-tale. Remember that boys are broken because they are human. The only true, unending, unfailing relationship is the one with your heavenly Father.

Physical 'beauty' is fleeting. It does not last, so make your heart beautiful, your Spirit beautiful, in tune with the image of Christ. Your body will once fade and wither, but your spirit is what is eternal.

You will face rejection and persecution. Rejection and persecution is not inevitable, not now and not later. Even Jesus was persecuted by those He came to die for. He was rejected by those that proclaimed him as Lord, and He still is. "God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs." - (Matt. 5:10)

There is nothing greater than the participation in the Kingdom. I know fitting in, acceptance, and popularity have become the constant pressure on teens and even adults. But there is no greater reward than being a part of the Lord's glorious mission; to serve others, to build others up, and to be an active doer and follower of the Gospel.

And most of all, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your mind, all your strength, and all your soul. With this all things will follow.

Reckless Abandon

Falling on your knees is not a sign of defeat; it is a sign of humility.

Life has been still lately, empty. Not in the sense that nothing is going on, but in the sense that I have been complacent in my faith, in my journey. I found a stand-still and was actually comfortable. Danger. Clear danger. Never did God once say, "Once you get to this place, you'll be alright. You don't have to actually keep trying.." My life has been so filled with useless junk, so filled with worldly, worthless idols. It has been so focused on things that do not set me apart from this world, but merely blend me with it. And worst of all, I was okay with it for a minute. I was okay with not diving into God's word, pursuing Him, and falling on my face before Him.

But I guess that's the beauty of vulnerability, realizing how completely idle you've been, followed with an image of God's complete sovereignty, reign, and ultimate goodness. I had to literally stop for a moment and say, "God. I want you. Give me the power to love you." I don't want to love God with my words, but then half-way love Him with my actions. I don't want to pronounce the name of Jesus, but then fall in love with the things of this world. A follower of Christ is not truly a follower, if their life does not imitate the Lord. They're merely a believer with their words, but not a follower with their heart.

Thank God for sanctification. Thank God that it did not stop at the cross at justification but that it continues on in this life. Thank God for my brokenness. My brittle parts need to be fixed, and the only one that can fix them is the creator Himself.

Oh, how beautiful it feels to desire the Lord, and to desire I mean to want to abandon your life to be at His right hand.

Brittle Bones

Have you ever felt that your heart yearns for something that your flesh is so completely against? Have you ever felt the bitterness of a lively spirit fighting against broken bones? That's how I've felt in this start of 2014. I've always vowed to be real and raw with myself; not just on my blog, or with friends, but to be completely vulnerable to myself and to the Lord. I have always vowed to see the broken, even a midst the beauty. Simply because I always want to be prepared for the absolute worst in myself.

Lately, I have felt the absolute worst slowly becoming more evident. My temper is shortened, my attention has crumbled, my self-worth has lowered, my patience has lessened, my happiness has quivered. Even with those pieces of me coming to the surface, I know two things have not withered: my desire for the Lord and my joy.

Although I may be completely uneasy with myself at the moment, praying for bigger transformations and evident sanctification, I will not let my joy become darkness and I will not let my flesh beat out my spirit. The Lord makes His children strong, and I know that my bones may be brittle, but my spirit is like rock. My hopes and expectations may suffer, but my heart will never cease. My love for this world may increase, but my overall love for the Lord will never be beaten.

Within brokenness, there is always hope.

Obligatory New Year's Post

Nearly two weeks of no blogging (no planning involved) I feel refreshed. Not only has this Christmas season flown by, it created a seemingly endless shuffle to get things done, meet with every friend, eat a countless number of Christmas dinners at this family's and this family's, and a never ending stream of answering the same question over and over, "So what do you do now? How's school? Still a barista?" Unfortunately, this Christmas felt rushed and spoiled. Although the love of Jesus never ran dry, my constant need to mark things of my to-do list seemed to be the 'highlight' of the past two months. Now that January has arrived, I finally feel somewhat ready to take on a new year. With bills and new things piling high on my lists of worries, I've begun to feel less scared and more at peace, like a peace that occurs after a long month of pain, incessant worrying, followed by an onset of acceptance.

In the past year I've realized a few things about myself:

• I've never tested my limits on patience, self-control, love, strength, and wisdom like I have in 2013.
• I've become a woman striving, not after perfection, rather striving for the wholesome, beautiful acceptance of my Creator. Rather than worrying about the worldly opinions of peers or parents, I've been okay with knowing the Lord is joyful in my faith. As I would like to think He is saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
• I've learned that love is not simply a feeling to aspire, but a commitment that is tested, tried, and daily pursued. Love is not accomplished or completed, but rather constantly growing, constantly testing.
• I've understood depths of myself that I have discovered are more and more apart from the perfection of Jesus. If I'm not already broken, I have seen lows of myself that were ugly in sight and completely born from flesh. In retrospect, I have seen the forgiveness and grace of God's goodness because of it.
• I have learned to love deeper than the level of flesh and outward actions. Truly loving someone's soul is more than an action, but a daily pursuit of passion and intimacy. 
• I have seen the beauty of a community of believers engulf me in love, care, and a fellowship so deep it can only be compared to that of Jesus'. Living life with believers is not only difficult, but more so rewarding. It brings a sense of joy that cannot be found in mere acquaintances, and it shows the true image of a God dying on a cross for my sins. 
• Most importantly, I have seen a new side of the Lord that was before hidden behind a veil. I've discovered the side of knowledge, wisdom, a faith based on truths and not feelings, and most importantly a faith that is worth seeking and not stagnant. 

All in all, I could care less about new year's resolutions or goals. I am just completely blessed to be living another day to grow, another day to love, and another day to discover the beauty of Jesus. 

Joy Drowned by Perfectionism

The holiday season is my favorite. The happiness, the joy, bright lights, hot drinks, giving with love, moments cherished with family and friends, exciting movies and adventures. Every night a little colder and every day a little closer to a new year. Within all the excitement of Christmas and holidays comes forgotten joy. My joy begins to get lost in the countless rolls of wrapping paper and twine. It begins to fade into the calenders and schedules of meetings, dates, and parties. Joy is hushed by the growing sound of tiredness in my voice and in my steps. My joy is drowned by perfectionism that is only good for a moment but worthless in the next. Once every Christmas present is ripped open, once the tree's needles begin to wither, once the day is done, my perfectionism and need for the 'most merry season' is nothing but worthless.

I have forgotten the essence of joy in a season full of moving. I have slowly lost sight of peace in a time dedicated to the maker of Joy Himself. 

This season should be a moment to sit and think about the majesty of God; sit and ponder on His holiness, His righteousness, and the beauty of worshiping a God who became a man. Yes, this season is about giving, and loving, and finding happiness in the moment of things. But more importantly, we are celebrating Christ. 

Let us not forget our Maker. 

Ten Years

I still remember that morning. 7:45, Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003. I remember it vividly, as if the memory slowly etched its image into my head. The only times I can't see clearly is when my eyes were flooding with tears, blurring my surroundings. I remember my mother; she was in pain, in agony. She was screaming and the noise was unbearable. I remember my father; he was running, frantically, looking for the phone. His eyes were red, his face expressionless. I remember my grandfather; he was shocked. He was looking for words to place on his tongue, but they were caught in his throat. Then, I remember the sirens. The high-pitched wail was only half-way heard through the screams and the sobs. Red and blue patterns across our windows, as if they were dancing in that morning light. I remember my brother; he was motionless. His body cold and his precious face still. I remember rocking on the cement, an eight-year old confused and bewildered. I didn't understand, and I didn't want to look.

Hours passed as I waited with a neighbor. If I didn't remember enough, I recall sitting with my neighbor on her couch. Eating chocolate donuts and watching the old MTV. I remember praying with her; I didn't know what kind of God did this, but I wanted to pray. I wanted to do anything I could. Please, oh, please.

The knock on the door startled me, but I had an explainable hope.I knew things would be okay. My innocent vulnerable heart didn't know the depths of pain. That's when they entered, and it was like death too had visited their skin. Their eyes drooped, their lips pale, red lining their eyes, the aftermath of tears on their cheeks, hair crazed, clothes wrinkled and stained with the fading spots of tears. Their eyes: it said it all in their eyes. There was no happy dance, there was no smiles, there was no hope. My parents sat me down, digging deep to find some sort of smile to reassure me. But I wasn't completely stupid. An eight-year old may be confused, but they know what death looks like when they see it.

-

Ten years ago today, the sweetest angel left our lives. My only sibling, the most innocent face, the most precious little being: gone. If I had known the day would have come for my last goodbye to be thrown away, I would have made it worth while. It's as if the night stole the sun, and stole his life with it. In the matter of eight hours, our family went from that to completely broken. We lost the one thing that kept our seams in place, we lost life and love and joy. There's nothing that can make me forget those images. The images of

pain have never left me, and there is nothing in this world that hurts more than death. Isn't that a funny thing? Our biggest fear is death. Maybe not of death of ourselves, but death of those we deeply love. Although my little brother was only one, he left an impact on my life that can never be shaken, can never be torn by the scorns of man, it can be broken by the pain of this world. Without knowing it, he showed me my Creator. He revealed the Lord. He taught me that life is immeasurable and time is precious. Love is a gift and pain is inevitable. There will be an end, whether it's now or later. Today may mark pain and loss, but it also marks life and joy. I will not let today be filled with pain and sorrow, but love and happiness for lives that are lived. I will celebrate this day for God's precious angels, and I will not tempt the grief upon myself. 

If there's one thing you can do today, I beg you: Hug those you love, and don't waste one minute basking in the beauty of their lives. 

Giving Thanks

As we celebrate the wonderful day of Thanksgiving over turkeys, casseroles, pies, and eggnog, many of us will be giving thanks to the things we have, the things we love, the people we love. But as I think of these things, there is one thing that my gratefulness is beyond me.

I am thankful that I am broken. 

Without my brokenness, without the emptiness of my self-reliance, without failing myself, without feeling hopeless, without feeling utter despair, I would be no where near the Lord. My broken soul that craves the eternal grace and beauty of Jesus is what I am thankful for. No human or item on this earth can tear away the love of my Father, and I am bound to Him, I am one with Him. I feel as if I don't acknowledge enough that my own brokenness is what draws me to my Creator. Pride and arrogance could lead me far from Him, but humility and vulnerability leads to intimacy with the Father. My mumbled prayers of grace will not simply be said around a table of food, but will be a daily prayer in my heart.

Today I am thankful for the Lord.

Beautiful Brokenness

Lately, I've seen dozens upon dozens of articles around the internet titled with things such as, "The Ideal Woman," "10 Qualities of a Good Man," "The Future Wife List," and whatever else bloggers and writers to continue to share with the public. With each new article I see, I continue to get more and more frustrated with the shallow and superficial labels of a 'perfect' whatever; a perfect husband, a perfect wife, girlfriend, boyfriend. Don't get me wrong. I believe it is beneficial and great to have ambitions for a future spouse someday, especially as a Christian, (considering the last two articles I read were written by Christians). Yes, you should consider qualities of a future spouse. But then again, as a believer, God should be the one to guide your into a relationship, despite differences or unmet standards. I've met plenty of married couples, strong in their faith, who came from completely different religions, or places, or whatever else the other considered 'non-negotiable.'

I just question why people continue to devalue the beauty of marriage and relationships by writing so many lists of this "ideal" man or woman. I'm becoming weary of bloggers typing out their lists about this 'perfect spouse.' All that becomes of it is a shallow image of marriage, of love, of relationships, and of the beauty of our brokenness. Love someone for their flaws and imperfections. Love someone, even if they are broken and do not fit this perfect image that has been embedded into the mind of the twenty first century marriage ideology. Especially, as Christians, we should be encouraging one to imitate Christ's love for the church; the way He chose us to be His own, even though we are broken, we are not holy, we are no where near the perfection of Him, and we do not even always love Him back. If I recall, Jesus didn't create a check-list to pick those he loved. He loved those for their beautiful brokenness. The consistent shallow view of perfection I continue to see across the hearts of believers, or should I say flesh of believers, is not the reality you will find in people. And by no means, will it guarantee a perfect love, a perfect marriage, or a perfect spouse. Why are we looking for love by a check-list anyways? Have people begun to define their love for a spouse with a check-list, just like how they define their love for God by a to-do list? Pardon me if I'm being a little harsh, but you could find this ideal human, marry them, and realize their is still undiscovered brokenness.

In a different light, these 'seemingly perfect' qualities are creating people to be slaves to their image. Men and women are digesting these words, in hopes to find that wife or husband they've been praying for. These lists are creating people to strive for a perfection that is unrealistic and untimely. It is painful and utterly saddening to watch people struggle by poking and prodding at themselves, not only their physical image, but also at their mental, social, and spiritual 'image' in order to fit some guy/girl's idea of perfection.

If there's any 'advice' I can give you about who, what, and how to love, it's this.

We are all broken people. Now stop telling people who they should and shouldn't love. 

Encountering

"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..." – 1 Peter 3:15

Each time I think God has really done something beautiful, He continues to surprise me. This past week Tony and I have really been asking God to just use us in some way; give us ministry opportunities, give us opportunities to love, to spread the Gospel, and to be the hands and feet of Christ. Lately, we have felt like we've been drained of these opportunities, in expense of our own faults because we've allowed the stresses of school, work, and other things to fill our hearts and time.

Tonight Tony and I finally got a chance to spend some time reading the Word. We ended up driving to Starbucks to sip some joe and read something for an hour or two. As we sat down, a young man instantly began to ask us questions. At first, it seemed as if he had been hurt by Christianity or by Christians in the past, simply by his tone, his expressions, and the depths of the questions he was asking. It seemed like this man had pondered these questions before. Immediately we began pouring into him, answering questions, giving him examples, painting pictures of God's grace. It was overwhelming and incredible all at once. Sitting for nearly two hours talking to a stranger about the Gospel. This was the chance we asked God for. In my mind, I continued to dig deeper into my Spirit to give him hope, give him answers, give him simplicity + relevance. Explaining the Gospel to someone gives me that same rush like the first day of school; a mixing pot of nerves and excitement.

After two hours of discussion with this young man, he asked one last question, "I have one last verse to ask you about. Can you turn to 1 Peter 3:15?" I did so. At this point, Tony ran to the restroom and I was hoping I could answer whatever else he was wondering about. He told me to read it, but when I looked back up at him to hear his question he had pulled out his own bible. Confused, he told me, "I'm a Christian." (I have never seen someone act so well.) I nearly cried because I was laughing and smiling (and a little confused). He said that God had been pushing him lately. He had been craving to see Christians explaining their faith, and he had been wanting to do so himself. As soon as he saw us sit down, he began acting as the devil's advocate asking us questions about our believes, sort of as a test. It's funny because he said he had never done this before, and that God just told him to do it! Tony came back, and we were laughing and cheesing too hard. It's not every day a fellow believer gives you a quiz as a non-believer, nor had this every happened to us before.

Walking away with a new friend, who turns out to be in ministry + seminary school, the Lord set up the perfect opportunity for us to be one step closer to God. The questions this young man asked made even myself search my heart for answers that I hadn't even pondered on lately, such as the extent of God's grace (something I've been needing loads of lately). He pushed us to explain our faith and to explain it well. As a believer this is critical. Of course God does not need our help in spreading the Gospel, but the fact that He chooses us to teach people about Himself is even more of the reason to be firm in our foundation, our theology, our truth, and most importantly our love. How often are we tested to share our faith? How easy is it to live in a city where everyone has heard some form of the redemption story? How simple is it to never have to share the depths of God's love in intimacy with someone, believer or not? It's so easy it's become scary. In our American culture, it's easy as a Christian to go about without having to dig into the details of the Gospel. We give someone a link to website or a blog, rather than pulling out scripture. We email them a podcast, rather than inviting them to church. We give them a book to explain Jesus, rather beginning a relationship with them and pouring into their lives to show them the beauty of Jesus. God revealed a test for Tony and I today; He tested not just our knowledge but our boldness + readiness for the Gospel.

If someone asks, are you ready to answer?