Mended Ends

Saturday, July 26

My first post in over a month. Writing has become something I do in my journal, alone, private and secluded. The intensity this summer has truly put a minor halt to my words, to my writings, and to my "explainable" thoughts. Lately, writing down my thoughts has been like trying to search through millions of archives and never finding what you need. I don't know if it's because of the heat getting to my head, or maybe my work getting to my head, but I know it's not good. I find words to be important, and when I have absolutely nothing to say I get worried. And maybe sometimes I get sad, but that's for a different time of explanation.

Today I'm recalling on last Sunday – The past couple of weeks, I have not felt this need for church. I have not felt that tangible desire to get up on Sunday and be there. I mean really be there and take part. I guess you can say I've been another seat, instead of a working part of the body. And maybe I'm wrong, but that's how my flesh has felt. – As I sat and listened, I felt God tugging on my heart + asking for my obedience. I've noticed that every so often I get into this habit of doing. I get into a habit of doing for God out of a mechanical obedience and not out of a deep desire to love and follow Him. I get stuck in these useless 'works,' thinking I can somehow win God's affection with my "Christ-like" life and not my Christ-seeking heart. His affection has already been won, and it was done by Jesus on the Cross. Doesn't that beautiful knowledge remind me to love God and obey him out of a whole-hearted desire? Doesn't it remind me that I cannot save myself and nothing I do will affect my salvation? It's incredibly beautiful.

And as I think about these things and when I recall on the moments when my flesh has failed and my disobedience to Christ is apparent, I have to remember that there is no shame nor guilt in Him. There is no punishing myself. There is only conviction, repentance, and loads of grace. For that, I am thankful.


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