Grasping for Gratefulness

It's those little moments that go unnoticed. It's the small acts that fade without thanks. It's the little kisses and long embraces, it's the sweet words and small favors that are forgotten, the smiles he delivers like beauty painted on his lips. Too often do I forget my thanks for the blessings of love and the relationship I have. Too often do I let the smallest sweetness surpass me. I'm learning how to be thankful for every aspect of my relationship with Tony. Spending each day with him, I have forgotten to show him my gratefulness, even if it's only for the breakfast he made me or the flowers he surprised me with at my doorstep. How easily we take love for granted. How careless we begin to become.

We taint our thankfulness with the complacent adaptation of kindness and love. Beyond myself, I am thankful for a man who loves me despite my complacency. Despite my forgetfulness and moments where my "I love you" sounded more routine than intimate, he loves me and he forgives me. Even though his character far outweighs mine own, it is no excuse for the forgotten words of love and the smallest whisper of "thank you." If he were gone tomorrow, I would be the only one to blame for the faded moments.

If there's anything I have tagged onto my life, to never forget, it is to rejoice in every moment. No kiss or hug or moment of sweetness is too insignificant or too small to be celebrated or to be remembered. Any goodbye, any hello, any sweet kiss, and any precious moment can be the last; they can be seized by the dawn and forgotten if not recognized.

I am sorry that sometimes I have let you and your joy become a constancy, rather than a beautiful blessing. I promise my "I love you's" will be filled with more than the feelings of a repeated phrase, but rather spoken in the words of an eternal love, which cannot be divided by our brokenness and only strengthened by the Father. I promise I am learning how to grasp for gratefulness.

Beautiful Brokenness

Lately, I've seen dozens upon dozens of articles around the internet titled with things such as, "The Ideal Woman," "10 Qualities of a Good Man," "The Future Wife List," and whatever else bloggers and writers to continue to share with the public. With each new article I see, I continue to get more and more frustrated with the shallow and superficial labels of a 'perfect' whatever; a perfect husband, a perfect wife, girlfriend, boyfriend. Don't get me wrong. I believe it is beneficial and great to have ambitions for a future spouse someday, especially as a Christian, (considering the last two articles I read were written by Christians). Yes, you should consider qualities of a future spouse. But then again, as a believer, God should be the one to guide your into a relationship, despite differences or unmet standards. I've met plenty of married couples, strong in their faith, who came from completely different religions, or places, or whatever else the other considered 'non-negotiable.'

I just question why people continue to devalue the beauty of marriage and relationships by writing so many lists of this "ideal" man or woman. I'm becoming weary of bloggers typing out their lists about this 'perfect spouse.' All that becomes of it is a shallow image of marriage, of love, of relationships, and of the beauty of our brokenness. Love someone for their flaws and imperfections. Love someone, even if they are broken and do not fit this perfect image that has been embedded into the mind of the twenty first century marriage ideology. Especially, as Christians, we should be encouraging one to imitate Christ's love for the church; the way He chose us to be His own, even though we are broken, we are not holy, we are no where near the perfection of Him, and we do not even always love Him back. If I recall, Jesus didn't create a check-list to pick those he loved. He loved those for their beautiful brokenness. The consistent shallow view of perfection I continue to see across the hearts of believers, or should I say flesh of believers, is not the reality you will find in people. And by no means, will it guarantee a perfect love, a perfect marriage, or a perfect spouse. Why are we looking for love by a check-list anyways? Have people begun to define their love for a spouse with a check-list, just like how they define their love for God by a to-do list? Pardon me if I'm being a little harsh, but you could find this ideal human, marry them, and realize their is still undiscovered brokenness.

In a different light, these 'seemingly perfect' qualities are creating people to be slaves to their image. Men and women are digesting these words, in hopes to find that wife or husband they've been praying for. These lists are creating people to strive for a perfection that is unrealistic and untimely. It is painful and utterly saddening to watch people struggle by poking and prodding at themselves, not only their physical image, but also at their mental, social, and spiritual 'image' in order to fit some guy/girl's idea of perfection.

If there's any 'advice' I can give you about who, what, and how to love, it's this.

We are all broken people. Now stop telling people who they should and shouldn't love. 

Him

The Lord completely moved in my heart tonight, without doubt. He took in every inch of my heart, my motives, my intentions, my thoughts. He shook me up, and revealed to me things that I see as disgusting, but things He sees as work. My faults stood before me, and what else do I do but sit in the pitiful shame that the enemy puts in my head? What else do I do but weep at my imperfections? But I have a Father. I have a Father that loves me, despite those very flaws that disgust me. Who else would hold my delicate heart and forgive me and love me without end? Who else would I run to when my Spirit aches and yearns for bread and water? I am thirsty and I am hungry, yet I do not thirst and hunger for the bread and water of the world. I thirst and hunger for the body and blood of Christ to redeem me, to set me free from myself.

 I have been redeemed! Oh, what a beautiful life sits in front of me; a life of joy. A life of utter peace in the Lord. Yet, within myself I still find flaws, and I still feel the condemnation on my shoulders. In this moment, I have to remember the symbol of the Cross and what it stands for. It is not just a man on a tree. It is life that was shattered, in hopes that I will gain life. In that, I must lay down my life in order to receive it. I must fight my flesh, in order to live a life in accordance to His son. 

There is nothing I have been so sure of in my life; that I am so deeply loved by my Father. Today has been a day that I have seen the fruit of those who love Him. It has been another day that I have laid my imperfections at the Cross, only to find that I have been forgiven once again. It is a never ending fight with myself, but it is a fight worth fighting against. In the end, I have the most beautiful thing waiting for me; a life with the Lord.

Little Moments: Fishers

There's nothing I love more than spending time with this man. He is the silliest, most loving, caring and passionate fellow I know. There's nothing in this world that can compare the tangible love of another human, especially by him. He creates so many little moments in my life that are nothing but smiles and joy. In the calmness of a quite pond, he radiates. Loving him has been natural, but it has pushed me and tested my own patience and virtues. It has taught me to be less selfish, to love without condition, to be patient in our waiting, to take shape of a servant for him, and especially to trust in the Lord even in the middle of a relationship. I know I've said it once, and I'll never stop saying it; I am blessed by his love and faith. He is teaching me, and leading me, and loving me. Frankly, I couldn't be more overjoyed.

If there's anything I've learned, patience is key. And fall in love with your best friend, because it makes farting in front of each other that much more funny.