Confessions / One

Those words... Those words that ring in my ears, in my eyes, in my head for hours on end. The words that recall the thoughts of disgust, of pain. "I dislike my body." I assume many girls struggle with this just as I do. We struggle with body image and a lack of self-confidence. At times I find myself staring at myself in the mirror, wondering how this could be anything close to beautiful? How could this be found as something delicate and precious? The real question is, how will I ever learn to love myself?

To some the words 'love myself' may sound selfish, juvenile, and ridiculous. It sounds egotistic, as if loving ourselves is a bad thing. But I desire to love myself. I desire to love my skin, my body, the parts that I hope no one dares to look at. I desire to love the image reflected back at me when I take a peek in the mirror before changing or taking a shower. I desire to wear shorts, tank tops, and bikinis without feeling the embarrassment of a stretch marks and flabby legs.

Although I've struggled with this, I'm learning to love my body; I'm learning to love it despite my flaws, insecurities, and areas my eyes dread to see. I'm learning that I go beyond my appearance. I go beyond my outer shell and my lack of love for my own skin. I've also learned how quiet us women are. We may put on our very best, in hopes we'll forget about the marks or areas of depression. We tell ourselves 'good compliments' only to be thinking of the next criticism of ourselves to emit from our mouths and into our hearts. We walk with our heads held high. Well, high enough to pretend we're ignoring the screaming thoughts of disgust in our head. Just high enough to pretend we can forget about what little we have of our self-confidence. Time after time of me begging on my knees to see myself in a different light, I begin to question, why do we limit ourselves? Why do we put beauty in terms of body? I've learned we must change the thoughts that tame our eyes. We must find security in how beautiful we really are; the freckles, the moles, scares, bones, or areas you see as ugly were all so delicately and preciously chosen for you. Every crevice, mark, protrusion, and indention was made so perfectly to be a part of you and me. We let empty words shape what we see as 'beauty.' "I must be skinny" are the words I hear, but I struggle to find the peace of loving myself. I fall into the traps of a destroying words telling me I must be flawless, in order to be beautiful. And I let those words get to me, just like they get to her, and you, and all of us.

I know those words have masked our minds. They have made an image of beauty that does not exist. Beauty is you, and me, and her, and all of us. Beauty is imperfection. Beauty is courage, compassion, love, honor, willpower, and brilliance. Beauty is not a size or a color. It does not come in the form of a body. There is an answer to loving ourselves. 

Quiet our thoughts and close our eyes.
I am beautiful.
She is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
We all are beautiful.

"Church.Devoted.Together.Added."

My church, Church Project, has a podcast that is posted after every sermon. Because of our trip and us being away from our church family this past week, we decided to listen to an old podcast back from 2011 titled Acts 2:42-47 // Church.Devoted.Together.Added. (which you can listen to here.) Church Project is only three years old, and we started attending this past August. From the beginning of my experience with this group of devoted believers, I knew there was something so beautiful about what they called "church." The way the taught, worshiped, lived in community with each other, and so on was simple, unique, and so much different from any church I had seen before. 

After attending for almost a year, I have realized why I have always felt a strong, passionate, love for this place; they are a focused, biblical church that focuses on the Gospel and true intimacy with one another. Whether that intimacy be through worshiping together, learning together, doing ministry, or spending time with our house churches, it has been an intimacy that is so honest, true, and passionate. In just a short time being with this wonderful group of believers, I have seen a glimpse of what Jesus intended the church to be. I have seen what it means to devote yourself to the Lord, to be filled with His presence, all while being together in fellowship with people who love Him. 

This podcast I listened to tonight was a glimpse from the start of this place in 2011, which I have not seen before. It was a glimpse of the hopes and desires of a church body that truly wanted to be like the church in Acts 2:42-47. (Quoted above) It was a church that at one point, did not see it just yet, but not is relishing in the beauty of a body of believers working together for the Gospel. It was amazing hearing the beginning of their hopes for a church that is biblical. And it is now even more amazing to know that I am a part of believers who are growing together, learning together, and truly living our lives together while walking with the Lord.

There is something so much more beautiful than attending church every Sunday, when you are actually living your lives together and centering it around the One, True, King. I pray that churches around the world can focus on something much more important than just 'church,' but the actual engagement of the Lord. The Church was made for something so much more powerful than where it stands today. It's only up to us as believers to remake the Church, and bring it up to what Jesus has truly intended it to be.

A Post For The World

Today I saw a letter posted on Yahoo! that could not have been any more correct. It was a letter going against the 'image' women in our time have set as 'glamorous.' An image where sex, money, and men is the only way a girl or woman will be successful. I could not agree more with the mere words in this letter, words of Truth.

Today girls have this idea that to be beautiful, successful, or 'accepted' they must devalue themselves and limit themselves to only being an instrument of satisfaction. Because of the influence of singers, actors, models, etc., girls believe all they are worth is their body and the way the present themselves. What happened to knowledge? To inner and natural beauty? A woman who values herself and presents herself as such is what young girls today should be striving for. They should not be brain-washed by today's culture in believing they are worthless, unless a man wants you or how far you can go. What's even more sad is that people are okay with this culture. They are okay that young teenage girls are watching, doing, and repeating what women with 'power' and 'fame' and 'glamour' do. If Beyonce walks across the stage in a sheer body suit with her breasts showing, and then sings about money and men, what do you think that young teenage girl will want to be like? These girls try to follow along with a lifestyle far from beautiful, only to find themselves used and abused by men who take advantage of them. Yet we still can't get it in our heads that our culture is brain-washed by looks, money, and sex. 

And don't tell me this is a sexist post: that women should be able to strut their stuff, almost naked, and rant about how glamorous sex and money is. When that interferes with young girl's minds, it's not okay. When women figures begin to skew a young girl's image of herself, it is not acceptable anymore. Women have belittled their own power, their own beauty, their own brilliance. They have accepted that they are not beautiful, until they can please a man, or they are not successful until they have money. This culture has made an image of women, and young girls continue falling into this trap of a 'glamorous' lifestyle. Everyday women are sold as sex slaves, whether it be through prostitution, strip clubs, or by men who abuse these women. Everyday young girls are forced to put on 'sexy clothes,' 'show off their beauty,' 'and give themselves to any man that looks at her.' It is not a choice. That is the lifestyle women are creating that is seen as successful. That is the very image women today put on themselves. Thirteen year old girls, girls who have not even identified themselves yet, are being sold as sex slaves, abused, forgotten, all while being misled into a lifestyle that women say is pleasing, good, and successful.

What do we say for ourselves? This culture makes up excuses saying, "A woman can do whatever she wants." But do women remember who's watching them? Do women who choose a lifestyle like that remember the girls who look up to them? The ten, fourteen, and sixteen year old girl who thinks she'll only have a good life if she pleases a man and degrades her body, not knowing the emptiness and pain it beholds?

Women, you are role models. You are living, walking, role models. Your actions are watched by girls who want to be like you, look like you, talk, and walk like you. The way you dress and the way you see yourself is also how young girls and our culture will see you, and that is how they will want to be. What is glamorous? A life of empty sex and men belittling you for nothing but a tool for their own pleasure? Or a life that is of dignity, power, and value? We need to stand up for women! We need to show that we are more than what society has made of us. We are more than our body or our money. We are beautiful, smart, honorable, and valued. We should never let a man or a culture tell us that we are far from that.

We need to stand up, not only for ourselves, but for the young ladies who look up to us. They deserve role models who can be an image of dignity and beauty. We need to show young girls that it is okay to be smart, brilliant, to work hard, to go to school, to have morals, and value our bodies, our mind, and our spirit. We need to show them the potential they have. You may say it's not your responsibility, but if it's not our's then who's is it? Nothing influences us more than the people and culture around us. The only way that will change is by us women standing up for who we are and not allowing somebody to tell us what we aren't. And our potential is much greater than people set on us.

Women, you were created out of beauty, love, passion, brilliance, and honor. The one Himself designed you perfectly, in His image. He made you for power and greatness. You are to be the ones who change the world. You are to be respected, admired, and seen as beautiful. Do not cheat yourself out from who you were created to be. 

Hosea

As I sit in the stillness of this dark room, while people are soundly dreaming away, I can't help but be so completely fascinated by the Lord. Tonight is one of those nights where I sit and bask in His glorifying presence. It's a night where I feel nothing but the abounding love of the lamb and the comforting hands of a father. Lately I have been asking Him, asking Him to simply be present. "Move me, Lord. Reveal to me You and only You, Lord." Through words of such powerful intimacy, I am greeted by the King. I am held by the one Most High. Within Hosea He portrayed an image of His perfect, unconditional love for me and for you. Even with the fanciest of words, I still can't paint a picture of how truly fascinating He is. The only thing that can even come close is the word itself:

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,” says the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.' O Israel, I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips, and you will never mention them again. On that day I will make a covenant with all the wild animals and the birds of the sky and the animals that scurry along the ground so they will not harm you. I will remove all weapons of war from the land, all swords and bows, so you can live unafraid in peace and safety. I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord. “In that day, I will answer,” says the Lord. “I will answer the sky as it pleads for clouds. And the sky will answer the earth with rain. Then the earth will answer the thirsty cries of the grain, the grapevines, and the olive trees. And they in turn will answer, ‘Jezreel’—‘God plants!’ At that time I will plant a crop of Israelites and raise them for myself. I will show love to those I called ‘Not loved. And to those I called ‘Not my people,’ I will say, ‘Now you are my people.’ And they will reply, ‘You are our God!’" -Hosea 2:14-23

What beauty. My goodness, my heart jumps for pure joy when I read this. In the previous lines before this, it described Israel as a prostitute, and adulterer of her beloved. Yet in these lines God is showing Israel His love for her, even through her betrayal of Him. When I have forsaken my Beloved, when I have mocked the name of Christ, I remember His passion for me, His love FOR ME. How undeserving I am of it! How lightly I take His love and His mercies. How foolish I am to even think for a second that I am of importance. But then I remember His love for Israel, His love for His chosen one; I am the chosen one, just as Israel was. For He sat upon that Cross and died for my life.

If there's something I could read every single day of my life, it would be this; a story of passion, of promises, and of rescuing. I have been rescued. But it is not over, everyday I am rescued from myself. Everyday I am rescued from the destruction of sin. I have been taken back by my Beloved, my Father. I have been received, and I am never letting go.

Roads

There's this band called The Psalters that I am a huge fan of. You can't really sum up what 'genre' they are, simply because they're so... mind-blowing. I guess you could call them gypsy, nomadic, Christian, worship... well something along those lines. Anyways, that's besides the point. In one of their songs they sing a little line that really stuck to my heart:

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions; the road to Heaven is not paved."

The little phrase with such insignificant letters holds far too much meaning than what it's worth. Far, far too much. I couldn't help repeating this in my head and feeling these words stick to my heart. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. If we do not have our complete attention on the Kingdom, than that road we think is heaven is really just a road to hell paved with utmost good intentions. If your heart is not fearfully and passionately seeking the Lord, than what is all this 'good' for? What is the point of love, the point of peace, happiness, joy, or 'fulfillment' if it not strictly for the Lord? In fact, who even created those things; the Lord himself. He is the Creator of all the things good. So if you want a path to Heaven, do not pave it with good intentions and good deeds or a 'good' life. No, pave it with Christ. Pave it with humility and holiness. Pick up your Cross, and pave it with the heavy footsteps of a heart facing the world to gain Jesus.

Are we blind to the path? They say they road to Heaven is narrow, but is there any road at all? Our eyes have become so focused on 'good intentions' that the road to Heaven is overgrown. Only those with a heart and temple fixed on the Most High will see through the path.

I hate to be harsh, actually, I don't. Sometimes Truth is hard. But tell me what is harder, hearing deception and it being easy or hearing Truth and it being difficult? What is more worthy of our time? The fear of deception and death, or the hope of Truth and life? Our world is so blind, deaf, and turned away from the goodness of the Gospel. It has turned its back on its Creator, and has made an idol of the things that destroy it.

If there's something I can tell you to take in, receive, and understand, it's that the path is narrow, my friend. My soul aches for the person who misses that path, simply because of not knowing the Lord. So for those of you who yearn for Him, who desire and strive to know Him, remember that it is not about goodness. It is not about perfection. It is about a broken, torn soul begging for the Mercy and Love of a Father who will rescue us.

Little Moments: Fishers

There's nothing I love more than spending time with this man. He is the silliest, most loving, caring and passionate fellow I know. There's nothing in this world that can compare the tangible love of another human, especially by him. He creates so many little moments in my life that are nothing but smiles and joy. In the calmness of a quite pond, he radiates. Loving him has been natural, but it has pushed me and tested my own patience and virtues. It has taught me to be less selfish, to love without condition, to be patient in our waiting, to take shape of a servant for him, and especially to trust in the Lord even in the middle of a relationship. I know I've said it once, and I'll never stop saying it; I am blessed by his love and faith. He is teaching me, and leading me, and loving me. Frankly, I couldn't be more overjoyed.

If there's anything I've learned, patience is key. And fall in love with your best friend, because it makes farting in front of each other that much more funny.

Nature is the Best Blog Post

I know, I know. I really just love to blog pictures and small stories, but hey that's me! And that's all I can give on this blog. If I don't do enough giveaways or project posts or recipe posts or whatever, that's fine. Blogs are meant for the blogger; the freedom of expression is so valuable. I have new stories everyday, and I love to share my creations with the world. I love to show the beauty that I see from a day to day basis, as simple as it may be. Well.. today I'm writing about something I love: nature. Like I've said before, the Earth is beyond beautiful. Although this isn't the Kingdom, the Lord sure did make it beautiful for our eyes. Each day I am astounded at the world around me, especially nature. The greens and browns make my heart melt. (I almost feel like I'm writing a love letter... but I kind of am!) Seriously, trees could be my only best friend, if they had to be.

Yesterday Tony and I visited one of our favorite (secret) places. This is where we go to just feel serene, in the beautiful outdoors. This is where we simply enjoy each other and the beauty around us. It really doesn't need any words to make it any more beautiful than it already is, so here...

iPhone Album: Vol. 1

I thought I'd go ahead share some 'mini' iPhone albums every now and then, and share a little story as well. Tony and I are usually on-the-go, so I try to capture our little moments as often as possible. Here are some of those moments I've documented as of late. 

From right to left: 

/ Tony and I love the outdoors, so we're always ready to have a fun picnic outside on pretty days. We took some Panera out to the park and fed the ducks for a couple of hours. This day was beautiful!

/ This is some beautiful bamboo that was growing in the downtown Museum District. Tony and I visited a museum and took a short walk in a park.

/ I took this because I loved the pattern of this floor. This was from a floor in the capitol building in Austin. I'm a sucker for pretty patterns.

/ Easter service was a wonderful message from Church Project. The room was full of people worshiping, and people just loving on the Lord. It was beautiful.

/ At my church we put up this word on the wall: Redeemed. Our pastor asked us to write what Jesus has redeemed us from in our life. The words on this wall are touching. It's so awesome to see what people have been changed from.

/ Again, Tony and I are love to be outside. This is him sitting up in a huge tree in the Museum District. He's a little monkey.

/ As the avid cafe/coffee shop explorers that we are, we found a delicious coffee shop by our house. The Woodlands area isn't very fond of mom-and-pop coffee shops, but we finally found one. I had some yummy chai!

/ This last picture is from a cute town near The Woodlands called Old Town Spring. There's some cute, old homes here and the neatest little shops. I took this because I thought the colors were very pretty. 

Broken, Forgiven, Renewed

There is something so beautiful about something broken being mended. There is something so powerful in the act of forgiveness. Today the act of forgiveness and renewal is beyond refreshing to me. So many things in our life will be broken, torn, buried, and forgotten, but the Spirit renews, transforms, and brings to life again. Just as Christ was broken on the Cross, forgave us, and was brought back to life, sometimes all we need is for something broken to be reconciled.

Today has been a day that I have been humbled, even when I felt weak, to forgive even when I felt hurt. I was brought down to the stance of a servant, desiring to make peace again. My heart was reminded of the beauty of forgiving. If I cannot simply forgive as Christ forgave, my faith means nothing. It means that word of God has not even touched my heart.What then is the Spirit? The Spirit is the heart of God, living within us, living through us. If you try to tell me the Spirit is not living, then explain to me forgiveness.

Behind everything that is broken, is a Saviour who is healing. Behind every mended relationship is a chance for renewal. Behind every humbled heart is a sign of God's movement. He is mighty, and powerful, and has taught us to love without complaint, to forgive without condition, and to stand strong through every lifeless battle.

I tell you, for any of you who have felt the pain of brokenness, there is always an inexplicable peace after every storm. Healing is not out of reach. No. Healing is real, and powerful, and will change the heart of every weak man in the sight of God.

Today I am beyond thankful for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Baby Boy

As many [don't] know, my mom is currently pregnant and we have been patiently waiting for today, March 21st, 2012. Today we found out some very important test results about the baby's health and genetic conditions, as well as the sex. My mom was told by the doctor's that there were some risks for the baby, due to her age. Her doctor's appointment was today, and went so well. As of now, at 16 weeks, the baby is healthy, kicking, and growing along. My family and I were terrified of the chances of my mom having a miscarriage or of the baby having genetic mutations, but God answered some huge prayers.

I had a baby brother, when I was eight years old but he passed away in 2003. My mom tried to have another baby for years, and her yearning for another child has finally been answered. This child is in perfect timing of the Lord's plans. I know this baby will be such a child of healing and joy for my mom, who has been through so much with the death of her only son. God slowly but surely transformed all of our hearts, and now is giving us the blessing of another child. I am so thankful for every trial God has put my family and I through. In the time of death, pain, and grief, He was preparing us for this moment of loving and leading a new little angel.

Camping in the Lonestar State

This weekend was one big adventure. Tony and I camped close to Austin in a nice little family owned campsite called Krause Springs. We had tons of fun making beans, having bonfires, and telling stories to each other. While in Austin, SXSW was quite chaotic, so Tony and I canoed on Lady Bird Lake, visited the Capitol building of Texas, and road bikes till our legs fell off. 

Something I definitely will not forget was the night sky out in Krause Springs. Living here in Houston, all the lights, smog, and other things clear out any stars from shining in the sky. But out in the Hilly Country, every star seemed as if its light was multiplied. The beauty of the place, the earth, and just the city reminds me to be joyful of every surrounding while I'm on this earth.